Consequences
by anotherweasley
Summary: Monica visits Brad in jail.


Consequences  
By: Olivia  
  
Monica sat waiting in the empty room. As many times as she had been in similar rooms and faced criminals, this was the first time she had felt on edge, nervous.  
  
At the sound of the door opening, she looked. A guard led a handcuffed Brad into the room. Her heart sank at the sight of Brad, unable to even give her more than a quick cursory glance.  
  
"You can undo the handcuffs and leave us alone," said Monica trying to keep the nervousness out of her voice. She was trying to let Brad retain as much of his dignity as he could under the present circumstances.  
  
The guard simply nodded, undid Brad handcuffs, and left the two alone. Brad slowly walked to the one window in the room. He looked out through the mesh wire as beams of sunlight basked his pale face. It was a beautiful day-outside.  
  
Monica simply watched him from the inner darkness of the room. Her heart was breaking, not only for Brad but for herself as well. This is what she had tried to avoid all those years ago when she decided to keep his secret, break off her relationship with him, and transfer to New Orleans. A long time ago she had thought she had loved him. They had been young when they had started dating, mistaking attraction for real love. But seeing Brad accept that bribe had only confirmed what her heart had been telling her long before. He's not for you, Monica. He's not the one. You're not happy with him.  
  
"I'm surprised you came, Monica." Brad turned his face away from the window and gave her a good, hard look. "I figured you'd be distancing yourself from me."  
  
Brad's words startled Monica out of her thoughts, causing her to break away from the past and focus on the present consequences of her past silence. "I had to," was all Monica could say.  
  
Brad simply nodded. He understood that she had come, not out of fear that he would drag her down with him, but only to make certain he was okay out of whatever past care or friendship she still felt for him. He moved toward the table in the center of the room. He took a seat at it.   
  
Monica sat across from him. For the briefest of moments their eyes met and Monica inwardly shuddered. She saw it all there, she saw all that had been stripped away from Brad-his job, his friends, his confidence, his pride-all had been taken away by a decision he had made so many years ago. Through his lies and deception he had almost gotten away with it all-almost.   
  
Monica knew that all roads led here whether or not she had spoken up and exposed Brad. And yet she was finding it hard to live with the fact that had she said something, to somebody, about Brad, it wouldn't have taken nine long, agonizing years to catch Luke's killer. Maybe John could have found peace long before this. And the last thing Monica would ever intentionally do was to cause John pain...  
  
"I thought at first you were here because you were worried about what I might say about you," said Brad looking up at her, observing her.  
  
Monica shook her head. "No, I didn't think you would tell anybody that I knew about the bribery and kept it to myself."  
  
Brad gave a low sigh and leaned back in the chair. He looked around the room and said softly, "What a mess I've made of things." He turned his attention back to Monica. "You're here because you want to know don't you? You want to know if I knew that Regali killed Luke? You want to know if I shot Regali to protect my secret?"  
  
"No, Brad. We've known each other a long time and I don't think you would have knowingly associated with a child killer. Besides, if you had wanted to kill Regali to keep your secret you would have done something more subtle than shooting him in broad daylight in front of all those witnesses."  
  
Brad let out a mirthless laugh. "You're right. Not one of my more brilliant moves as if anything I've done can be called brilliant." Brad paused for a few minutes and then leaned in to the table, folding his hand as he did so. His voice went low, thick with emotion. "I'm so sorry, Monica, for everything. You have to believe me that I never suspected that Regali had killed Luke. When I found out, I just snapped. Regali's sin had become my sin-guilt by association. I....I just had to kill him."  
  
Brad reached out and put his hands on Monica's that were resting on the table. She had to fight the urge not to pull her hands away. His very touch made her guilty connection to him more real. She felt Brad's words in her heart-guilt by association-and yet she didn't pull away. She knew that Brad wasn't evil. She knew evil, had seen it, felt it, but Brad wasn't evil. He was impatient, ambitious, and greedy-a lethal combination it seemed-but he was not evil. So in spite of everything, she allowed him to invade her personal space.  
  
But Brad sensed Monica's feelings. He knew he had crossed boundaries that he wasn't supposed to and so he pulled his hands away from her, releasing her. "I'm sorry I lied to you and I...I want to thank you for protecting me as long as you could. He doesn't blame you does he?"  
  
Monica looked at Brad. She was surprised. "No. Agent Doggett doesn't blame me." The words were quietly spoken and Monica felt the full weight of guilt leaning down upon her shoulders. She had unknowingly betrayed John. She could hear John's voice whispering in her ear. ***How could you have known, Monica? This is not your fault. When you realized the connection you spoke up. You can't blame yourself. I don't.**** John didn't blame her, but Monica blamed herself. She felt that she had let him down, that she had betrayed him.  
  
Brad nodded his head at Monica's words. "He doesn't know that you love him does he?"  
  
How could Brad know? And then, Monica thought, how could he not know? It seemed as if everyone knew how she felt about John, except perhaps John himself. But this was not a discussion she wanted to be having with Brad. It made her uncomfortable. "I don't see how this...."  
  
Brad waved away any explanation. "You know it was never the same between us after you took that case. Something in you had changed. Even back then, something drew you to him."  
  
Monica unknowingly found herself nodding. Brad's words were the truth. Even back then, even when everything inside Monica told her it was wrong for her to fall for this married New York detective whose kidnapped son she had been asked to find, even back then something had drawn her to him. Tragedy maybe? It had a way of pulling people together, finding out what they are really made of. Monica looked up at Brad. Or it has a way of tearing people irrevocably apart.   
  
Monica stood up. She needed to get out of here. She felt trapped in this room, like the walls were closing in on her. She needed fresh air to breathe. She needed to feel the sunshine on her face. There was nothing she could do now for Brad, nothing she could do to help him. She had needed to see him. Not only to make certain that he was okay as he could be under the circumstances, but to let him know that not everyone had abandoned him. But right now she needed to be as far away from here as possible. "I've got to be going now, Brad. I just had to stop by...."  
  
Brad nodded. He understood. Even after all the lies, all the deception, she had come by to see for herself that he was okay. It was the same reason that she had kept his secret for as long as she did. She did care about him. Surely not love, but she cared in spite of everything because she knew him, better than he knew himself it seemed.  
  
Monica went to the door and yelled for the guard. She turned back to Brad. "If you need anything...."  
  
Brad just shook his head.  
  
The guard came back into the room and started to pull Brad's hands behind his back and into handcuffs. The guard was leading Brad out the door, when Brad stopped suddenly. He turned to look at Monica one last time, just in case he never saw her again. There was a definite sadness in his eyes and voice. "I love you, Monica. I still do. But it was always a selfish love. I wanted you because of what I could get from you, not because of what I could give you. I wanted my own happiness, not yours. Agent Doggett loves you because of who you are. He wants your happiness above his own, which is why he doesn't tell you that he loves you. He thinks he'd only make you unhappy, that he'd disappoint you. He doesn't think he's good enough for you. That's real love. I tried to have it all-you, a career, money, but I lost it all and I lost myself in the process."  
  
The guard moved Brad through the door, leaving a stunned Monica alone in the empty room. She was inwardly shaking at Brad's words. She took a deep breath and gathered up what was left of her inner strength as she headed out of the room, out of the prison, out into the sunlight. She needed to see John, to hear his voice. She needed to be in his presence. She needed his strength right now. She needed to feel his love.  
  
The End  
  
"If you want to know who your friends are, get yourself a jail sentence."-Charles Bukowski  
  
"What does it profit a man to gain the world and lose his soul in the process?"-Anon. 


End file.
